I’ve been collecting these for a long time, it’s been edited a bit.
“If you have some problem in your life and you need to deal with it and use religion, fine, if you have a problem, fine, I use Google.” Simon Amstell
“She will remember your heart when men are fairy tales in books written by rabbits” – Shmendrick (The Last Unicorn by Peter Beagle)
“I don’t drink the Obama Kool-Aid” – Jon Meacham, Author, “American Lion: Andrew Jackson in the White House”
“There is no dept of HAPPY in Washington DC.” – Herman Kane
“As a rational human being, Al-Qaeda are a loose association of psychopathic zealots who could be rounded up with a sustained police investigation. But speaking as a parent, they’re all eight foot tall, they’ve got lasers under their mustaches, a huge eye in their foreheads and the only way to kill them is to NUKE every country that hasn’t sent us a Christmas card in the the last 20 years!!” – Bill Bailey (Part Troll)
“Most voters under 40 think Socialists are people who spend a lot of time on Facebook.” – Bill Maher
It’s a great big universe and we’re all really puny, we’re just tiny little specks about the size of Mickey Rooney. It’s big and black and inky and we are small and dinky, it’s a big universe and we’re not. – Animaniacs
We have no important enemies. What we need to do is to begin to deal with the rest of the world as equals. And we don’t do that. We spend more as a nation on defense than all the rest of the world put together. Who are we afraid of? Who are you afraid of, Brian? I’m not. And Iraq has never been a threat to us. We invaded them. I mean, it is unbelievable. – Mike Gravel
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. – Oscar Wilde
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still cant help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
It’s not getting what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got. – Sheryl Crow, “Soak Up the Sun”
A well informed man would not ask this. Everyone knows why. However, if you are the only person so ill-informed as never to have heard, I’ll admit it is better for you to ask once in your foolishness than for you to go on any longer in ignorance of what you ought to know. – The Prose Edda of Snorri Sturluson
I learned there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind
But I’ve bought a big bat, I’m al ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me.
- Dr. Seuss
You can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jellybeans. – Ronald Reagan
The warm love between a man and a woman can’t be frozen like tuna!
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then give up. No use being a damn fool about it.
- Dilbert comic
The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but it is still nonsense. – Benjamin Franklin
Darn you! Darn you to everlasting heck. – Dilbert comic, by way of Spiffy
Why are you eating my carrots? – Mark Weber, Allentown Buisness School
Don’t do anything illegal, immoral or fattening. – Dr. Laura
‘Tis true, ’tis pity and ’tis pity tis true.
Sparky, no matter what anyone tells you, you can never have too much sugar. – Michael
If God didn’t want us to eat animals he wouldn’t have made them out of meat. – Phillip (Goats.com?)
Two days ago the day after tomorrow was yesterday. – Mark Weber, Allentown Business School
Take a second now, it will save a minute later. – Michael A Renninger II
Don’t spend $2 to dryclean your shirt. Take it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents. – Mitch Hedberg (I think)
The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York and it meows in Los angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat. – Albert Einstein
I can’t wait until this set is over because I have a roll of lifesavers in my pocket and pinapple is next. – Mitch Hedberg again
When someone’s boobs are in your face, how can you see their soul? – Victoria Jackson
Become informed! Tyrants fear an intelligent citizenry. – Bumper sticker
“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the cat, “we’re all mad here. I’m mad, you’re mad.”
“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.
“You must be, “said the cat, “or you wouldn’t be here.”
- Lewis Caroll, Alice in Wonderland
People who live in glass houses … shouldn’t walk around naked.
Danish Proverb: Bad is never good until worse happens.
My cat’s breath smells like cat food. – Ralph Wiggum, Simpsons
A broken heart [is] a good deal like a bad tooth… thought you won’t think that a very romantic simile. It takes spells of aching and gives you a sleepless night now and then, but in between times it lets you enjoy life and dreams and echoes and peanut candy as if there was nothing the matter with it. – Lavendar Lewis, in Anne of the Island (or Anne of Avonlea, not sure?) L.M. Montgomery
Mice feel nice for breakfast. – Sara (Wischnewski) Miscavage
Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective and trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
You know sniffing that fluid isn’t as good as drinking it. – Mark Weber, Allentown Business School
There is no point in being well-rounded. – Daniel Lewis Nice