BOOM! was the sound made when Steven’s house exploded. Steven was obviously angry with Gary for making his home a blazing inferno. He knew it was Gary because he’s the one who always told him, “one day I’m going to blow up your house.”

Steven confronted Gary the day after the incident. He asked Gary if he knew anything about the demolition. Gary immediately said he didn’t use 47 punds of plastic explosives to set steven’s house ablaze. For some reason steven didn’t believe him.

The two guys bickered and fought all weekend. Steven threatened to sue Gary. Gary threatened to dog-nap the one of his three remaining dalmatians. The two guys just couldn’t seem to come up with an agreement.

Weeks went by and they were still arguing about the silly little plastic explosives in the living room thing. Finally Steven sued Gary. Sure enough, Gary dog-napped Cindy, Steven’s dalmatian. Despite Gary’s footprints and prescription medicine and the note reading, “I hate you Steven so I’m gonna set your house on fire, Love Gary,” found at the scene, the American legal system let him free.

The next day Steven called Gary and asked him why he hated him. Gary told him he was jealous of his over-sized beautifully landscaped and nicely painted 5 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath central heat rancher. Steven then told Gary he would get his friend’s cousin’s roommate to build him a new house when he got his new one built. Gary liked that idea and agreed. The only thing he had to do was turn himself in to the police.

Gary turned himself in, went to jail for a thirty to life or $1,000,000 bail and Cindy was returned to Steven. In the end Gary and Steven became good friends. Gary even hooked Steven up with Pearl the prison guard. They all lived happily ever after, except Cindy who through all the comotion wasn’t fed properly. The End.


This is a story about three boys who love to fish. They fish just about everyday of their lives. Today they decided to try a new place besides Frank’s Lake, where they normally go. They went to a little pond about 2 miles away and picked a good spot. They’ve been fishing for about an hour and haven’t caught a thing except and old yogurt container.

It was getting late and the boys were just about to pack up when all the sudden Irving felt a tug on his line. He reeled in his catch and on the end was a small little fish unlike any they’ve ever seen. “What is that thing,” asked Melvin? “Who cares throw it back and let’s go,” said Bruce. Just as Irving was about to throw the small and rather smelly fish back into the pond, it began to talk. “Well you guys caught me, so I’ll give you three wishes,” said the fish. “Three wishes, cool,” exclaimed Bruce! “I’ll go first. I wish I had a big plate of roast beef! Oh yeah and some cranberry juice, too,” said Irving. The fish closed his eyes and flapped his tail and the plate of roast beef appeared in front of Irving. “My turn! I wish I had big can of silly string to squirt Bruce with,” asked Melvin. The fish closed his eyes and flapped his tail and a can of silly string was in front of Melvin. He picked up the can and sprayed Bruce all over. “You jerk! I wish I had a permanent marker,” said Bruce. The fish closed his eyes flapped his tail and the marker was in Bruce’s hand. He took off the cap and wrote all over Melvin. “I hope you guys know, you just wasted three perfectly good wishes. You could have wished for money, a car, fame…anything,” screamed the fish!

“We didn’t think about that,” said Irving. The fish jumped back into the water laughing all the way. The boys thought about the mistake they made and wanted the fish to come back. They spent days and days fishing, trying to catch the fish again. After eight days of trying they gave up. For the rest of their lives they would never forget that day and what they could have had. After that day they never fished again.

If you ever catch a fish that grants you wishes, make your wishes wisely and greedily. One more thing… the boys were using stale pretzels and guide cheese for bait. Perhaps that is the key for catching a wish granting fish.

Medicine Mishaps

Medecine Mishaps

One day my family and I took a trip to the circus. We rode the “Cheap Thrill” roller coaster and the teacups. Then my little brother started getting his reoccurring headaches. Mom gave him his prescription medication and bought him a bottle of vodka to wash it down.

Later on we visited the freak show. I saw all kinds of freaks that day. The Sixteen Fingered Man, Bird Boy, the Amazing Monkey-faced Guy, and the “Original Bearded Lady.” The sign on the cage said not to feed the freaks, but Mr. Mammoth Head asked me for an Aspirin. I didn’t have one on me so I picked up my brother’s medication that my mother dropped on the ground where any little kid could find it and I shared it with the freak.

It was getting pretty late so we made our last stop at Midget Land and got our laughs at the sights we saw. There must have been 100 midgets there. All of them working or doing whatever midgets do. My little sister then began to cry when two midgets started to fight. The Ring Master soon came to break up the rumble. He sent the two midgets to their rooms without their 6:00 meal. I felt bad for them.

On the car ride home, Grandpa started to get fidgety and needed his medication. ” I need my insulin,” screamed grandpa!

” I’ll get it. I’ll get it. Settle down,” said mom.

” I need my insulin! I need my insulin!”

” OOPS, I must have left it at home. I remember there was just no room in my fanny pack for it with all the money, baby wipes, and granola bars I brought.”

Well grandpa died after that and boy was I sad. But the next day it seemed kind of humorous and we all had a good laugh at breakfast that morning. I had Froot Loops.

Short Term Memory Loss Man

Short Term Memory Loss Man

A Play

Frank – Hi, how are you doing?

Peter – Fine, just fine

Frank – What’s your name?

Peter – Peter, how about you?

Frank – How about me what?

Peter – What’s your name?

Frank – Oh, Frank, what’s yours?

Peter – I already said “Peter,” can’t you remember?

Frank – Oh, I’m sorry, I just … hey, where are we anyway?

Peter – We’re standing in line to get on the new roller coaster.

Frank – Hi, what’s your name?

Peter – PETER!

Frank – You don’t have to yell, buddy.

Peter – I’m sorry, it’s just that you asked me that question about a hundred times already.

Frank – Sorry, what are we standing in line for, Mr.?

Peter – Geez, are you bloody stupid, you jerk. We are in line to get on the new roller freakin’ coaster.

Frank – Were are we then?

The Mission

A Mission for Me?

“Has the mail arrived yet, Private?” asked General MacArthur.

“Yes, sir. It’s right here, ” answered private Jim Property.

“Good, I’m expecting a letter from my wife.” The General opened the letter and read it to himeself.

Dear Arty,

The flowers you sent me were so pretty (even though they attract bees). I had a lot of fun last week. I have more fun with you that my grumpy old husband. When cn I see you again?

Snookie Wookie

The General was almost in tears when he read the letter. “Colonel Sanders!” he shouted.

“What is it, General?” asked sanders.

“Who in our platoon is named Arty?”

“Well, it could be “Arthur Richmond.”

“Tell him to come and see me immediately.”

“Yess Sir.”

Colonel Sanders went to get Arthur Richmond. He brought him back to General MacArthur.

“You wanted to see me, Sir?” asked Arthur.

“Yes. I have a mission for you,” said the General.

“A mission … for me?” asked Arthur. “Why?”

“Yes, a secret mission that no one must know about.” I’m sending you because I think you’re good enough. I also think you can do it alone.”

“Wow! Okay I’ll do it.”

“Good, pack up your gear, you leave in the morning at 0400 hours.” Remember it’s a secret.”

Arthur got up very early and started off on his journey. He walked towards the destination of the enemy fortress but as he crossed the enemy lines he was immediately gunned down by enemy snipers.

Back at headquarters, General MacArthur was in the mess hall eating his pancakes, scrambled eggs, scrapple and orange juice, thinking everything was going to be alright. Everything wasn’t alright though. It turned out that the scrapple was left out over night unwrapped. So after four nights in the hospital for salmenela poisoning, General MacArthur was glad for what he did.

Mr. Johnson

Mr. Johnson, or as the neighborhood kids call him, guy with the big stomach, is basically a normal guy. He has a wife, 2 kids, and a dog. He works at Gary¹s Fish and Stuff on 4th and Oak. Mr. Johnson has only one problem though… he¹s a bit on the heavy side. All right he¹s a lot on the heavy side. He weighs 702 pounds in fact. He just can¹t seem to lose the weight.

He¹s tried diets, exercise, hypnotists, and even lypo-suction. As he was reading the paper one morning, he noticed an ad that read, “Marvin the magnificent Magician can do anything you want for the low low price of $29.95. Mr. Johnson new he had to call this man. He copied the phone number and called up the magician. He made an appointment for Monday and he couldn¹t wait.

Monday came so he went as fast as he could. When he got there Marvin was waiting. Mr. Johnson went inside but on his way in he tripped on the door stop shaped like a duck. He stumbled and then fell to the ground. The bad thing was Marvin was under the fat man. Mr. Johnson managed to get himself up and noticed he had crushed the poor magician. “I¹ve killed him, I killed my only hope of ever being thin,” cried the incredibly obese man. Just then a limo pulled up and Maurice Vanderham, the most famous movie producer got out. “I found him, I found the man I¹ve been looking for to star in my new film, Fat Guys Who Go To the Beach and Wear Skimpy bathing suits and Drink A Lot of Beer,” exclaimed the producer.

“Me, you want me,” asked the large guy!

“Yes you fatty”

Mr. Johnson became a famous movie star and he was loved by all the people in the world. He soon divorced his wife and moved to Hollywood. The old neighborhood kids now call him, that rich fat bastard. He forgot all about his old life and his old job at the fish market. Even though he¹s a fat, rude, a murderer and fat… I still like Mr. Johnson.

Space Gypsies

Yeah, I’m a hero. Would you like to hear how I became a world famous celebrity? Well, I’m going to tell you anyway.

It all started back in the summer of 87. I was working in my Garden when my cousin comes up to me and tells me about the space ship he saw last night. Now we all know my cousin is well known for his outrageous lies. So I just shrugged off the words he told me. Maybe if I listened to him none of this would have happened.

The day after cousin Lenny told me of his story I was sitting down to breakfast reading the local paper. The headline said, “Millions Lost in Robbery Yesterday.” It seems that half of my community was robbed of their money and prized possessions. Mr. Gagmay lost about 232 dollars and his favorite game, Parcheesi. Miss Wolfmaster, next-door, was missing her collection of rare birthmarks, her son, Smitty, and her cat. I couldn’t find my eraser that I won at the Winston S. Canstain (inventor of the Gut-Be-Gone abdominal machine) Fair for knocking out the town’s strongest man last Saturday. I knew something was up.

The town called a meeting about the bizarre occurrences that were taking place. Cousin Lenny said it was the strange spaceship he saw that committed the crimes, but no one believed him. The Mayor asked what we should do about this situation. Mr. Zantar suggested we build a giant force field around the town. The Parsky twins thought we should call in the National Guard. My idea seemed to be the most reasonable though. I said we should form a town night watch type thing. Just then a tremendous noise came from the roof of the building. Then the front door opened and in walked the most feared species known to man, an Almighty…Space Gypsy!

“We have taken you valuables and ruined your port-o-potties. Soon we will destroy the entire planet. In turn, making the Planet of the Gypsies the most powerful in the universe,” said the gypsy. Everyone was scared and ran towards their shelters. Not me, I wasn’t about to be pushed around by a measly space gypsy. I then knew what I had to do, but I also knew I wasn’t going to have ant help from the town’s people. I was on my own.

That night I went to Professor Foo’s laboratory. Prof. Foo wasn’t there of course. He was hiding with the rest of them. I shutdown the high security system that protected the one thing that was going to free my town from the rule of the evil Space Gypsies. I opened the door and saw it there under a big sheet. I lifted the sheet to expose the most amazing thing ever invented by man. The Spectacular Awesome Intergalactic Laser(S.A.I.L)!

I charged up the batteries and waited for the Gypsies to arrive. I must have played 50 games of solitaire during my long wait. Then I heard the same sound I heard at the town meeting. I looked up and saw a flying object that was making it’s way through the night sky. I jumped up to the Laser, aimed, and pressed the big red button the said FIRE. An blinding light shot from the machine and struck the UFO right in the wing. Just as I saw my great shot hit the target I realized it wasn’t the Gypsy’s ship but a 747 coming in for a landing at the airport. Bit did I feel embarrassed.

I waited a bit longer and finally the craft arrived. I knew it was the real thing this time by the big neon sign on the vessel that said, “Space Gypsies On Board.” I aimed the Laser carefully at the ship and fired away at full blast! The blast destroyed the spacecraft in an instant. Parts from the ship fell to the ground and by that I knew the war with the Gypsies was over.

I went to the shelters and told the people of the awesome feat I accomplished. Then another Ship landed in the corn field. The Leader of the Gypsies walked and said: “I am Steve, Leader of the Space Gypsies. You have destroyed my loyal army of Gypsies. We surrender to Earth and we will never return here again. I will return your belongings and I apologize for any inconvenience I brought on to you.” Then he flew off into the galaxy.

All the people congratulated me and reporters took my picture. The people of the town were glad when their money, children, lawn jockeys, Christmas lights, gas grills, and every thing else was returned. I became a local celebrity and hero to all the little kids. I got my eraser back and free sundaes whenever I want at Uncle Jim’s Ice Cream Hut. I was also arrested for breaking into Prof. Foo’s Lab., but Lenny got me out on bail. All in all this was the best day of my life.

Career Builder Says I’m …

By nature, you are inclined to be highly outgoing, assertive and sociable. You will generally have little difficulty expressing yourself, working with others or functioning in group settings. In addition, you are likely to take a dominant or lead role in many situations. As a result, you may tend to seek out situations in which you can relate with and influence others.Innovative
You tend to be open-minded, imaginative and curious. You are likely to feel comfortable in roles which enable you to try out novel approaches, ideas and methods. At the same time, you may prefer to steer clear of environments which are highly routine or bureaucratic, as they depend upon individuals who prefer to stick to well-established rules and procedures.

Overall, you are likely to deal with most routine problems and situations with comfort, inner strength and resilience. While you may experience some heightened stress at times and would benefit from a management approach which is supportive, you will generally exhibit the resilience required to deal with these conditions and to move forward.

Very Accommodating
In dealing with others, you are generally considered to be warm-hearted, trusting and good natured. Others will be inclined to view you as someone who is eager to provide assistance, to cooperate and, wherever possible, to avoid conflicts. As a result, you may want to seek out opportunities in which you can demonstrate your compassion and concern for others – and avoid competitive or confrontational situations in which others might take advantage of your good nature.

You are likely to be diligent and dependable, particularly when tasks are interesting and priorities and expectations are well-defined. At the same time, you may become bored or distracted with tasks that are overly routine or repetitive. As a result, you may want to seek out work environments in which there are opportunities to engage in a variety of activities and tasks. In addition, you may find it valuable to periodically review expectations with supervisors or others to make sure that your understanding of priorities are consistent with the needs of the organization.

Some Favorite Quotes

I’ve been collecting these for a long time, it’s been edited a bit.

“If you have some problem in your life and you need to deal with it and use religion, fine, if you have a problem, fine, I use Google.” Simon Amstell

“She will remember your heart when men are fairy tales in books written by rabbits” – Shmendrick (The Last Unicorn by Peter Beagle)

“I don’t drink the Obama Kool-Aid” – Jon Meacham, Author, “American Lion: Andrew Jackson in the White House”

“There is no dept of HAPPY in Washington DC.” – Herman Kane

“As a rational human being, Al-Qaeda are a loose association of psychopathic zealots who could be rounded up with a sustained police investigation. But speaking as a parent, they’re all eight foot tall, they’ve got lasers under their mustaches, a huge eye in their foreheads and the only way to kill them is to NUKE every country that hasn’t sent us a Christmas card in the the last 20 years!!” – Bill Bailey (Part Troll)

“Most voters under 40 think Socialists are people who spend a lot of time on Facebook.” – Bill Maher

It’s a great big universe and we’re all really puny, we’re just tiny little specks about the size of Mickey Rooney. It’s big and black and inky and we are small and dinky, it’s a big universe and we’re not. – Animaniacs

We have no important enemies. What we need to do is to begin to deal with the rest of the world as equals. And we don’t do that. We spend more as a nation on defense than all the rest of the world put together. Who are we afraid of? Who are you afraid of, Brian? I’m not. And Iraq has never been a threat to us. We invaded them. I mean, it is unbelievable. – Mike Gravel

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. – Oscar Wilde

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still cant help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

It’s not getting what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got. – Sheryl Crow, “Soak Up the Sun”

A well informed man would not ask this. Everyone knows why. However, if you are the only person so ill-informed as never to have heard, I’ll admit it is better for you to ask once in your foolishness than for you to go on any longer in ignorance of what you ought to know. – The Prose Edda of Snorri Sturluson

I learned there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind
But I’ve bought a big bat, I’m al ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me.
– Dr. Seuss

You can tell a lot about a fellow’s character by his way of eating jellybeans. – Ronald Reagan

The warm love between a man and a woman can’t be frozen like tuna!

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then give up. No use being a damn fool about it.
– Dilbert comic

The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but it is still nonsense. – Benjamin Franklin

Darn you! Darn you to everlasting heck. – Dilbert comic, by way of Spiffy

Why are you eating my carrots? – Mark Weber, Allentown Buisness School

Don’t do anything illegal, immoral or fattening. – Dr. Laura

‘Tis true, ’tis pity and ’tis pity tis true.

Sparky, no matter what anyone tells you, you can never have too much sugar. – Michael

If God didn’t want us to eat animals he wouldn’t have made them out of meat. – Phillip (

Two days ago the day after tomorrow was yesterday. – Mark Weber, Allentown Business School

Take a second now, it will save a minute later. – Michael A Renninger II

Don’t spend $2 to dryclean your shirt. Take it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents. – Mitch Hedberg (I think)

The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York and it meows in Los angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat. – Albert Einstein

I can’t wait until this set is over because I have a roll of lifesavers in my pocket and pinapple is next. – Mitch Hedberg again

When someone’s boobs are in your face, how can you see their soul? – Victoria Jackson

Become informed! Tyrants fear an intelligent citizenry. – Bumper sticker

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the cat, “we’re all mad here. I’m mad, you’re mad.”
“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.
“You must be, “said the cat, “or you wouldn’t be here.”
– Lewis Caroll, Alice in Wonderland

People who live in glass houses … shouldn’t walk around naked.

Danish Proverb: Bad is never good until worse happens.

My cat’s breath smells like cat food. – Ralph Wiggum, Simpsons

A broken heart [is] a good deal like a bad tooth… thought you won’t think that a very romantic simile. It takes spells of aching and gives you a sleepless night now and then, but in between times it lets you enjoy life and dreams and echoes and peanut candy as if there was nothing the matter with it. – Lavendar Lewis, in Anne of the Island (or Anne of Avonlea, not sure?) L.M. Montgomery

Mice feel nice for breakfast. – Sara (Wischnewski) Miscavage

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective and trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.

You know sniffing that fluid isn’t as good as drinking it. – Mark Weber, Allentown Business School

There is no point in being well-rounded. – Daniel Lewis Nice